i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
oh god was she eating orange peels again
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
