How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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