she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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