There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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