Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
