Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
