watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She bit a glass in half.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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