you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
