I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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