Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
