im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
