mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
