I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
