You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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