I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Randomize
