Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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