i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
