What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize