walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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