If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
