Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
if only i could text you this smell
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
