Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I love you. Go after that dick
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