i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
3 2 1 whiskey
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
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