WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
