I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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