Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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