I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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