I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
