Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
