i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
