forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
