The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You took a bar mat shot.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
