last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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