I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
