Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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