So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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