2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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