Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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