Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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