my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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