Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
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You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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