the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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