i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
dude i'm inner monologue high
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
