I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
just tell him i said nine months
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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