I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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