Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
