I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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