Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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