I just pynch a tree in the face
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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