I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
