my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
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Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
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if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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