I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
