So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
