On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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