Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
