Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Randomize
