listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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