dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
