so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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