This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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