The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
