you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
