I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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